Saturday, September 25, 2010


What I should be doing every weekend.
Normally I'd be elated about today being Friday. Instead I am drained, abrasive and particularly sorry about an episode I had at lunch earlier with my husband. Before going further I should preface this post with the fact that I'm prone to extreme pissiness (including uncalled-for outbursts toward loved ones) when I have no other outlet to vent my frustration. (It might be time to take up kickboxing again, or make like Regina George and join a competitive lacrosse team.)

Anyway I was supposed to meet up with my husband at 12:30 for our 1-hour lunch but got stuck in a God-awful meeting that went way over schedule and made me seriously think of gouging my eyeballs out with the nearest ballpoint pen to put myself out of my misery. After the meeting was (finally) over, I dashed out of the office and down the street, meeting up with my husband who'd already been waiting for 30 minutes. There went half our lunch break. Ugh.

So what did I do next? I yelled at him. Totally uncalled for, but I was so angry about the meeting, about the entire day, my entire decision in taking this job and making him give up his dream job just so I'd wind up complaining about mine daily. (None of this is an excuse, by the way, to lash out at poor, unsuspecting husband who just wanted to share a pastrami sandwich with his wife on a sunny afternoon.) But with me, when it rains it pours. A bad day or week or month can make me feel like my life is falling apart indefinitely. Today proved no different.

Husband, smiling on street corner: "Hi!"

Me, with a scowl: "Hey."

Husband: "I take it the meeting didn't --"

Me: "GOD, I don't want to talk about the meeting! I don't want to talk about work at all, okay?"


Me: "When are you going to start networking, huh? How do you expect to find a job just looking at job boards? Why don't you get your crap together and get started networking already."*

* - Saying this makes me SUCH a monster. I fully realize I have no right to even utter these words; it's my fault, after all, that he doesn't have a full-time job and is instead getting a three-month stipend while he works for a federal office. It was all for me. And now he's got nothing. No prospects, nothing. Just a wretched wife who makes disgusting accusations as though he didn't have the world, at one point, in the palm of his hand. Moral of the story: I should not have launched into the above tirade without counting to 10 and calming down.

Husband (starting to walk away, no more smile): "I can't believe you."

Me: "Where are you going?"

Husband: "Back to work. I don't want to have lunch with you if you're going to talk to me like that."

A few more words were exchanged, more me than him, and that's when he whipped around and with a hurt look on his face told me he understands I'm frustrated with how everything turned out, but that I can't keep taking it out on him or else someday soon I was going to "find myself alone." Ouch. Of course this comment not only stung but succeeded in antagonizing me and I was about -- about -- to blurt out the most TERRIBLE THING EVER...:

"Oh yeah? Well at least maybe then I'd find someone successful!"

So, so bad. LUCKILY I bit my tongue right before these words came out because I knew it was only the anger talking. It's a lie (I will always love him regardless of how successful he is) and it might make me feel better in the heat of the moment, but all it would do is succeed in hurting him deeply.

And maybe that's the problem. Maybe I want him to be as miserable as I am now, so I have someone to commiserate with. But that's ridiculous and such a waste of energy. Even with his job situation he manages to stay positive. I love him for that. Maybe I do just need an invigorating outlet to release all my pent-up frustration. Competitive racquetball anyone?

It's only Friday and I'm already dreading having to go in on Monday. Something is seriously wrong with this scenario.


  1. I hate fights like that. I must have the same compulsion to lash out at my husband like you. I always manage to get myself in trouble when, if I just count to 10 like you say, I would be fine and able to converse without yelling.

    And no, it's not good that you're already dreading Monday morning.

  2. Are your co-workers hateful to everyone or do they view you as an "outsider" who got the job? Either I'm oblivious or fortunate because I've worked in the same place 26 years and have never encountered the back-biting you're experiencing. (Either done to me or to anyone else.) So I can't empathize but I can certainly sympathize. I'd also probably try to stick it out just for spite, but if things are that miserable, it might not be worth it.

    Do you have any faith/confidence in your supervisors?

  3. Oh, the taking it out on him...I know what that's like, I've done that far too much lately. Two stints of being the breadwinner while he's unemployed will do that to you.

    It definitely brought out the ugly side of me at times and I was a total bitch when I got stressed. Eventually I learned to try and just walk away to calm down and keep myself from saying things I totally felt at the time but would later regret.

    Hugs, and I hope things start to look up for both of you. You must be feeling a total cocktail of emotions right now and I can't imagine what that's like.

  4. You can make it up to J. We all say things we don't mean like that in the heat of the moment. I say wretched things to Kirk and always regret them soon after.

    I hate that you hate your job. But I've been there so I know how awful you feel.... it stems over into your personal life and soon you start agonizing over other facets and even can't enjoy your time off.

    Can you look for another job? Just leave and elminate this gawdawful place and erase it from your resume? Or maybe J will get something soon that will allow you to find something more suitable for you? I dread going back to work someday, especially since I now believe that every place needs to be like Dundler-Mifflin in Scranton, PA.

    I wish you lots of luck and hugs. What would Nana do? What would Kathy Bates do? She'd shout Towanda and get into a parking lot struggle, that's what she'd do. Maybe you could recreate that scene on your last day of employment there! Something to look forward to.... :)

  5. OOOOHHHHH this one made me cringe. I hate those out of body moments. You know the ones. The times when you honestly don't know the person you are when you are saying those things. Dear me! Maybe you should give J some love coupons. :) Hope you have a better week.
    As a side note: long meetings are created by people who like to hear themselves talk and make me want to just stand up and tell people to shut the eff up. No one really cares what they think. :)