Ugh. Where do I even begin. I promised myself I wasn't going to talk about work in every single freaking blog post of mine, but I completely lost it today and so I think this deserves a bit of air time.
Terrible Coworker (aka TC) -- the one who threw me under the bus months ago at work -- is at it again. Which is funny since I thought things had gotten much better with TC, as most of November and all of December went swimmingly. Better than I could have ever imagined us getting along professionally. But in the last week or so, TC has reverted back to his/her old self. Nasty, passive aggressive comments about how I lack what it takes to be in my position. Constant, back-handed berating about how deficient I am. Normally I let this acerbic behavior go and chalk it up to TC's overly apparent insecurities as a writer. But today I completely fell apart.
To make a long story short I hauled my boss L into a private meeting and, through frustrated tears, told her that I'm thisclose to quitting, that I'm about to walk right out and that TC is a BITCH. Yes, I used "bitch" twice, and not without pointing out that I can't work with TC's "shitty personality" anymore. (I can't believe I actually said all this.) More than that, I can't believe I finally, very publicly, fell apart at work.
I was SO embarrassed.
It was the first time I'd ever cried IN the office. In any office. L obviously felt bad but didn't know how to respond to me, and said it was good to vent in private like I was doing. Well guess what? Venting doesn't solve this problem at all, as my husband can attest to since he has to hear my malaise daily. And I said that. L went into the reasons why TC might be acting the way he/she is: major insecurities with their own work, needing a scapegoat (aka me) to blame those feelings of inadequacy on, etc. etc. And the solution, according to L, is that I need to talk to TC and -- while wearing a thick skin -- let the insults roll off me and reassure TC that we need to communicate better to have a good working relationship. Really? A.) I did this before, it seemed to work for a time and now it's reverted back to being terrible, and B.) I need to accept insults in order for us to function better as a team? This is a new way of thinking to me, and if that's the case I am so beyond out.
D has a second interview with a firm tomorrow afternoon, just after a first interview with a different firm tomorrow morning. Praying that something good comes out of these, but I'm tired of waiting where we're going to "end up" because of his job. Tonight I've officially started sending out resumes, and I hope to put in my two weeks as soon as possible -- either when D finally gets an offer or I find something else as quickly as I can.
Earlier this month I'd started thinking of good excuses to give my bosses when they question my resignation. After all, I haven't been there that long. At first I thought I'd lie and say I was leaving the country to do something like teach English in a foreign land. Then I thought that sounded too flighty, that I'd need to say something more along the lines of "I need to care for a close elderly relative of mine with a health issue," which sounds much more responsible and upright. To perpetuate that sentiment I started looking more "sad" than usual, so when I eventually drop the health issue bomb on them it will make complete sense. I had to remind myself, though, to not overly pout as it could look like I simply had a problem with my lower lip. I simply needed to look a little lost and confused, like I just smelled a fart.
But now the act is over. It will now come as no surprise when I put in my two weeks. And I won't have to lie about a thing. ;)